


Yes (The Rupture)

by spnsmile



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Break Up, Castiel & Sam Winchester Friendship, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Coda, Decisions, Difficult Decisions, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Episode Tag, Episode: s15e03 The Rupture, Graphic Description, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pain, Piece by Piece, Post-Break Up, Post-Episode: s15e03 The Rupture, Protective Castiel (Supernatural), Song Lyrics, The Author Regrets Nothing, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-10-27
Packaged: 2021-01-04 17:10:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21201185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spnsmile/pseuds/spnsmile
Summary: 15X03 CodaYes says CasYes says DeanCastiel's hunter boyfriend pops the question six months after meeting the angel in a poor dilapidated church where he was withering from loneliness, saving the angel from pain and broken heart after Dean Winchester rips his heart out with, "Why is that something always seems to be you?"His boyfriend who happened to also be a priest, Castiel meets his match and for the first time Castiel is cared for. Cas even thinks he's happy.So, meeting Dean is weird afterward so long. Dean is… Dean. Happy, unbearable pain hidden in his eyes, too much load on his shoulder. But he says he’s fine. Glad Cas is happy. Cas thinks he is. And when Castiel returns the man’s own biting words back at him, Dean can only say."Yes."Even to a deranged Michael from hell.





	Yes (The Rupture)

**Author's Note:**

> Cas and Dean breaks up and things that spiral next... *cries*
> 
> Thank you for Bee's amazing art! @castielslittlesbee you are awesome hun!

Castiel stands staring at the vegetable corner of a supermarket with a graceful frown and dominant eyebrow up almost threatening to bring devastation in the small section.

Someone has misplaced bell pepper in the containers under _vegetable section_ which is bugging him because _everyone knows bell pepper is fruit._ He can't just leave that as it is, can he? What if someone like him started looking for it in the right section and gets unnecessary disappointment? He raises his razor blue eyes to his surroundings, looking for the staff working around and bites back grumpiness.

_Leave it._ He tells himself.

He squints at the red apple size fruits again, musing how humans tend to get careless with even the most mundane task. Shaking his head, Cas takes a forceful turn, pushing his body to move on the next container— only to grunt in annoyance and grabbed the banana lying pathetically in the basket.

_Really?_

He pointedly rakes his eyes around but no one was paying him any attention. He frowns up the signage above his head wondering if it was the one wrongly displayed. It can’t be, the rest are herbaceous in his eyes. When he was working as Steve in the GasnSip, he was so overelaborately careful of all the products on his list, categorizing them label by label, grams by grams, making sure no expired product remains on the shelves about two months head, gives the correct information to health conscious customers and stern when kids try to sneak and buy themselves stuff not for minors.

Overall, Castiel considers himself practical and efficient on the job even with a side of babysitting. And he’s only been human for so few days then. Learning around was easy enough if he puts his mind to it. So he doesn't understand the minor error, but then again humans tend to get things done in haste than in quality. Like they have so little time and so many things to do, cramming and neglecting what should have been done with effort compensating with hard work.

Things without wit done will be hardly done.

With an itch he knows won't go away if he doesn't do it, Castiel begins collecting the yellowish tropical fruit in earnest, loading his arms carefully when he felt someone approach his back.

"Did you get the basket?" he asks sounding a little annoyed, almost ready to rant. He turns around expecting his companion to hand him the plastic container, only to get drowned in a set of the most brilliant afternoon green sea set of eyes he thought he'd never see again.

Castiel's eyes widen at the assault to his chest, almost failing to feel his frozen heart.

Dean Winchester is standing in front of him awkwardly in full grayish jacket worn too many times, with a small smile pressed on lips and an uncharacteristically sheepish demeanor in his expression.

Castiel forgets to blink for a moment. He instantly forgets where he is as memory of six months ago flash before his eyes—_of Dean holding a glass of wine, sitting at the edge of the table telling him how that ‘something goes wrong’ is always Castiel._

How his world crumbled every step of the way, trying to convince his numb body it has to be done. He has to say good bye even when every step he takes, leaves pieces of his heart on the ground, leaving him empty.

Cas remembers the agony the cause of his agony who is Dean Winchester.

Dean who now is staring at him, finally looking at him with bright, green eyes like he’s staring directly into the sun. So very unlike the sharp cold one that left Castiel defenseless against its stormy wrath, the green eyes that forgot to be soft, forgot to be caring, just blaze of anger intending to burn. That has been Dean’s last memory to him.

"Hey, Cas." breathes the hunter, voice a little shaky.

Cas blinks, notes the uncertainty and nervousness in his distant voice. He carefully looks at Dean again, really looks at him then takes a deep breath.

Circumstances are different now, he tells himself. He was no longer that broken angel Dean cast aside when things turned dire and someone has to take the blame. Dean can’t hurt him anymore. Castiel is happy, stable with what he has now and at peace.

Bracing himself, Castiel opens his lips.

_"Dean..." _

A shiver run down the angel’s spine as the name leaves his lips. It’s like an ancient spell casted after decades of unuse which had too much power even when only uttered after so long, it’s too overwhelming.

Cas hadn't said that name for a long time and the rumble that channeled in his body, quivering under his tensed muscles and skin is unnerving. He would have buckled on his knees if not for a sudden familiar grip on his arm. It came out of nowhere like grace, saving him from crumbling like it did the first time.

Cas turns his head and sees a comforting face— a loving face he knows so well.

_Nathan. His partner. His lover._ These are Nathan’s words that Castiel has learned by heart.

Unconsciously, Cas leans on the tall man whose broad shoulder is enough rock for the rattled angel. Nathan slips an arm behind the angel, brushes his back in comfort, looking from Cas’ startled face to Dean who gives him a curious hard stare.

“What’s going on, sweetheart? Who is this Castiel?” Nathan asks, looking deep in Castiel’s eyes with his gray ones that reminds Cas of hazy shades of winter—but something warm and loving. Castiel wants to make introduction but his lips won’t cooperate. The banana pile seems stupid in his arms now.

Castiel turns in time to see Dean give him a surprised look. But as quick as it came, the hunter schools his expression, not before the angel sees him curl his fist, and observed the obvious slight hurt and anger in his eyes and clenched jaw. He knows Dean so much he knows everything Dean is going through. But Castiel has a problem on his own. He can’t seem to keep his mind clear, can’t seem to keep his eyes off Dean.

It’s Dean who breaks the uncomfortable silence. Leaning forward with sharp green eyes almost challenging to Nathan, he offers his hand.

“Dean Winchester.” He says brusquely a little more his confident self.

It’s effect on Nathan is expected. The man’s eyes slightly widen and his grip on Castiel’s waist gets firm. He instinctively puts his body in front of the angel as if shielding Castiel from harm.

Dean stares, understood what’s happening when Nathan gives him a dangerous look, then Dean is pulling his hand, wrapping it on its own.

“I see I’ve been quite unpopular.” His hard expression reflects that of Cas’ partner.

“You’ve no idea.” Nathan says and Castiel has never heard him so cold and livid. For a second, Castiel even thinks the man was about to throw himself at Dean, but that would be really dangerous. Knowing Dean—knowing Dean’s skills—even with Nathan being a hunter himself—he stands no chance against Dean. Dean is too strong, too experienced at fighting even demons run by just hearing his name. He doesn’t really want to see Nathan hurt that way. Didn’t want to hate Dean further.

_Hate?_ The thought has Castiel wondering… no… that’s not it.

“Nathan…” he starts, trying as much as he can not to look across Dean whose eyes, he knows were upon him. “It’s okay. He isn’t here to cause any trouble…” he swallows, before meeting Dean’s eyes. “Right…?” he doesn’t try to say the hunter’s name again.

Dean Winchester just looked at him for a few seconds, and Cas feels his grace just wilts away while trying to gain composure. Dean’s effect on him… it scares him sometimes and he doesn’t know if he wants to hide or run away. It’s Nathan’s hand around him that keeps him grounded.

Dean nods a little crisply, eyes still on him like he’s trying to figure Castiel out. Like he doesn’t know. Or is Dean trying to tell him something? Cas can’t tell… he doesn’t want to look too deeply into the man whose face has haunted him for months. And right now, he is here, and he still finds Dean too intense, too… _Dean._

“You want to say something?” Nathan throws, glaringly.

For a second, Castiel wishes Dean would say no. That Dean would just walk away like he usually does when in his presence. He has far done so many times in Castiel’s memory that it’s the only thing he remembers every now and then. That’s when he remembers he was so broken up, so self-insecure that Dean’s memory in his mind has gone twisted. That he remembers Dean a little differently than he should.

Still, he wants to hear Dean say no.

_Walk away,_ Castiel almost pleads. _Just go._

“Sure…uh…” Dean swallows hard, not looking at both of them, “if… if Cas wants… just a little.”

Castiel feels like he is stuck. He knows Dean sees that because Dean looks down his feet with a slight frown on his pale face. Castiel never remembered Dean to be so small. And so thin. Castiel is blinking and looking before he can stop himself. Dean is so different now. His thin face curves on his jotting unshaved cheek bones. Much to Castiel’s unexpected dismay, he sees long line of scar on each side of his hollow and pale face. Not fresh, but not there when Castiel had last seen him.

_Must be days after I left…_ _what creature did Dean fight against?_

Castiel feels Nathan pulling him a little closer. He looks up and finds his lover looking at him deep in the eyes, concerned and worry obvious in his eyes.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to, sweetheart.”

But Castiel has already made up his mind even before he looks at Dean again, even before he notices the deep circles under his eyes. He doesn’t fidget when Castiel glances at him, but he lets out a sigh of relief when the angel nods his head.

“It’s okay. Just a few minutes.”

Funny how… long ago he’d give anything to have Dean most of the time, seconds, hours of the dateline of earth. It seems so long ago now.

Dean leaves first when Nathan tells him they have to buy groceries, not giving a damn if Dean has to wait. Dean gives Cas a strange look, before agreeing. He heads out of the grocery without another word. Castiel watches the man go, lumbering a little on his steps, making Castiel frown when he notices him limping.

“Castiel,” Cas turns behind him and there’s Nathan watching him.

“I’m fine.” Cas lied, looking down the basket he didn’t notice the man is holding.

“You sure you wanna do this? That’s the guy who hurt you, left you alone.” Anger laces his mild tone. Castiel reaches for his shoulder and rubs his arms.

“I’m alright. I need to talk to him too. Give things proper ending like you said.”

“I did? Because right now I don’t want any of his hair near you.”

Castiel smiles and embraces his lover. Yes, Nathan makes him happy, protected and important. Nathan embraces him back, tight and assuring and Castiel is filled with his warmth and understanding. This is the man who pulled him from perdition… from the hell he found himself in right after Dean destroyed everything.

“He doesn’t deserve a second of your time.”

“I will decide that.” Castiel says with a sigh, pulling away and looking at the door. “I… I also need to end this. I think. I should go. Wait for me in the car.”

“Oh, no.” Nathan drops the basket he’s holding and marches right after Castiel out of the grocery. “If you think a bag of rib steak is going to make me stay here, you’re almost wrong.” He drapes an arm around Cas who rolls his eyes.

“You always seem to find rib steak in all supermarket we go into.”

“It’s never coincidence. It’s called research.”

Cas chuckles and nudges the side of his head on the man’s cheek when Nathan pulls him into an embrace. They go out of the double glass doors. That’s when the smile on Castiel’s lips disappear when he finds Dean leaning and watching them from his car with arms crossed. The angel bodily stops, almost freezing. He hates that. He hates having to mind his actions around Dean. Like Dean matters.

Not anymore.

“You okay?” Nathan asks warily staring at Dean Winchester too. “Want me to—”

“It’s fine.” Cas repeats, “Off to the car, you.”

“Mmm. I’ll be here when you need me.” Nathan kisses the side of his head and Cas feels a thrill run down his body. He’s almost sorry when Nathan pulls away, feels dread that he has to look Dean in the eyes after that. Yet when he looks up, he only finds Dean giving him that bright smile, almost too unreal, reeling to sadness. Castiel frowns.

_Stop it._

He drags his feet. He’s never felt so against doing this… walking towards Dean. It took him all his power to leave Dean there and then. It’s takes all his will just to stand in front of Dean. But he calms himself. Dean cannot hurt him more than he already did. Can’t break him more than the pieces he already shattered. Castiel doesn’t want that for himself anymore. This time he wants to be desperately happy whether Dean thinks so or not.

Whether Dean thinks he deserves it or not.

He looks up a little determinedly straight into Dean’s green eyes, meeting him squarely and confidently. He won’t walk away this time. It unnerves him when Dean stays silent, just watching him, his loose arms hanging on his side, standing still.

Castiel cocks his head.

“Dean.”

_There. No longer heavy._

"Cas.” Dean says like it’s all he knows to say it. “You look so good in the sweat shirt. Finally ditched the trench coat?”

“I didn’t like it anymore than you did.” Cas says in all honesty. Pain reflects in Dean’s eyes.

“I never said I didn’t like it, Cas.”

“What do you want, Dean?” Cas deadpans. Everything stays absolutely still. Cas thinks he wants to go back to Nathan’s welcoming arms. Dean is making the air twitchy.

“Cas, I’m not gonna hurt you.”

“I’m not gonna let you.” Cas snaps, blinks at Dean’s closing expression, like Cas just kicked him down and trampled all over him—and Cas realizes he didn’t want that memory so he wants to apologize but Dean is shaking his head, stopping him like he knows what Cas is about to say.

“Don’t say it, Cas. I kinda deserved it.”

Castiel stares at the hunter openly.

Dean shifts on his feet, looks down his fingers, then turns his green eyes to Castiel’s car. To where Nathan is, watching them from the rearview mirror of his car. Castiel follows his eyes, then gives Dean a calculated look. But all Dean does is give him a quirky smile.

Cas doesn’t like how it makes him remember the old Dean. This is not that Dean. So much things have happened, so many words said. So much history to forget. So much time to heal.

“Seems like a decent fellow. So you and him… uhh… like together?”

“Yes?” Castiel replies, almost defiant. But Dean shakes his head, his expression from zero blank, cracking pain then to comically wide smile.

“Didn’t think you’d have it in you, Cas, I mean—you actually mingled—that’s… that’s like—okay, I wished I could’ve seen that. I missed so much about…” his voice trails away. Castiel just studies him. Dean struggles for a moment to find the right words, “I mean—it’s great you and him found each other. I’m glad you’re doing okay.”

The sincerity in his voice is nothing unfamiliar. But it shakes Cas because Dean is showing that level of awareness… that level of care for him he didn’t think still exists.

“How are you, Dean?” he finds himself genuinely curious, wondering why Dean keeps shifting, looking uncomfortable in his own skin, yet somewhat satisfied. It all doesn’t add up. Is this a coincidence or did Dean wanted to find him? Dean wanted something from him.

Oh. Dean does that. Call on him when he needs something. Castiel’s mind spins.

“How’s Sam? Is something the matter?” instinct proves to be hard to control, but Cas thinks he reserves the right to ask about the Winchesters at this point. With Dean being here and all.

“Sam’s doing okay,” Dean avoids his eyes, a sign Castiel doesn’t miss, but he wonders what he will do about it. Dean lies for a purpose, Dean lies when things are not going his way, Dean will say he’s fine even when his world is crumbling because he thinks no one in their right mind would care enough to dig deeper. All his pretense of being the confident man just because he thinks people will judge him poorly. No one has the right to judge Dean no matter who they are. Not even Castiel.

So, the angel lowers his defenses a little. Because Dean is lying, because Dean wants to protect something. His body language, his pattern is the same. Dean is… has reverted to the man Cas finds in that white room, only wanting to save his brother. The thought makes Cas stand a little straighter.

“Is everything alright?” he asks again, turning the question a little more to the hunter in front of him.

“Aw, you know, hunting, killing things. The drill. How about you?” Dean’s voice is just light. Doesn’t add up again. Why would Dean lie and still sound happy about it? The crease on the angel’s forehead deepened.

“I hunt too. With Nathan. He’s a hunter.”

“Oh? So he knows about our stuff…? And you being an angel?”

“Was very fascinated about it.” Cas says, smiling slightly at the memory when he told Nathan five months ago. “He was very taken. He’s a priest.” He couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped his lips because it’s a happy memory. Dean gawks at him for real.

“Wow, Cas that’s…Cas that's... A real priest and a hunter too? That's, cool… really cool. How do you guys sleep at night without debating about heaven and hell?”

“We don’t argue about it. I just tell him stories till he falls asleep in my arms.” The confession strings something in the air, and then Dean is shifting on his feet again. Dean is not looking at him again, rubbing his palm at the back of his neck. Uncomfortable again. Castiel couldn’t, for the life of him, understand and add up the things Dean is showing him. Is it because it’s been awhile since he’s read Dean?

“I’m sorry about everything.” Dean finally says.

Castiel locks eyes with him. He finds himself biting his lips at the pure emotion Dean is not withholding this time. So much it overflows to Castiel who in turn, feels something breaking in him again. How is that possible? Why is Dean breaking him even when he’s saying the thing Castiel’s been keen to hear?

“It’s okay.” He tells him.

“No, it’s not.” Dean shakes his head, a guilty grin eating on his face, “Not really. I was an asshole to you… I took everything out on you… vented on you like you’re not important, like you’re not my family… but you are… dammit you are, so don’t think it’s you who’s got the problem, okay? It’s always been me… I was… I am… but I’m trying my best to do good now. I’m sorry I was a jerk, Cas. You didn’t deserve that. I don’t blame you for walking away, I’d walk away from me too,” he laughs so painfully, Castiel just feels for him. “I mean, I pushed you, didn’t I? I don’t deserve to even talk to you like this, yet you’re letting me. You really deserve a better friend… a better someone to take care of you, Cas. I’m sorry I couldn’t properly do that. So sorry you had to walk away from my shit… you’re better. Always better than me, Cas…”

Castiel wants to turn on his heels and shut himself in Nathan’s car. He has to do that or he’ll wrap Dean in his arms and not let go. He doesn’t. Instead he says the most powerful word he can utter.

_“Dean.”_ Everything is poured in that name. Dean grins again, so young and innocent, finding so much to be happy for with Castiel blinking at him with the same intensity as before.

“I’m glad you're happy Cas. You deserve this.”

Castiel swallows very hard, then nods. It’s true. After everything he’s gone through, even a little shred of happiness is all Cas can ask for. Even if it meant being far away from the people he once considered his family. Even if it meant far from Dean. Castiel is blinking back tears before he realizes it. He knows it’s almost time to properly say goodbye.

“Cas… say it.”

Castiel stops breathing. At least, he seems to as he locks eyes with the hunter again. He knows what Dean wants to hear almost as if Dean is whispering it to him. Almost as if Dean is praying to him.

“Dean, I don’t—”

“You do. It’s okay.” Dean squares his shoulders, green eyes glinting determinedly like he’s about to jump to hell. Almost like he’s readying for battle. “I need to hear you say it.”

Castiel wavers. But the resolve in Dean’s eyes and the six months of agony of Dean’s voice and memory repeating the same words over and over again has Castiel gritting his teeth. He takes a lungful of air, blinks once and gives Dean a steady look.

_He has to do it for himself._

“You’re wrong…” he begins and it surprises him how he is very calm, believing every word he is saying. “It’s not _me_ who… It’s not me who makes everything wrong, Dean. I am capable of making choices of my own… of _free will_… and capable of making mistakes as anyone who goes against the heavens… so you are _wrong._ I do not exist only to make a rip and tide to what already is a world full of mistakes. I try to make things better. Try to do right by myself. And what I have right now, I fought hard to gain… and what I achieved in the end is not wrong. If there is one thing I can say about being the wrong for me…” he looks Dean in the eyes, sees the man tries to vacant his expression, but his eyes are failing. “It’s you, Dean. For me, it’s always seems to be you. We always seem to be wrong for each other. Ever since I… saved you from perdition. You’ve been wrong for me, Dean.”

“Yes.” Dean nods, but he’s damn heartbroken.

Castiel closes his eyes tight, his throat catching. He can’t shake that feeling of his walls crumbling too. He realizes he didn’t want to see Dean this broken, but at the same time couldn’t make himself stop. He has to say thing while they have time because he knows he won’t see Dean ever again.

“I do not blame you for it, Dean. For all it’s worth… you’ve been very significant for me. I consider you a friend and I thank you for everything.” He doesn’t know how to call that emotion when Dean’s eyes soften and he smiles. Castiel wants to just see him keep smiling. “I’m serious, Dean.”

“You’re my best friend, Cas.” Dean exhales, “And dammit, if I hurt you again… I don’t deserve everything you’ve done for me. Sorry I fucked up. Sorry I messed you up, Cas… so sorry.”

“It’s okay… don’t… it’s okay now Dean…”

Dean just nods, not even hiding the tears welling his eyes. Castiel wants to run, keep away from the soul he built with his hand, now he’s breaking with his own hand. Cas stops, eyes wide. Dean’s soul…he forgets… the most beautiful soul… right at this moment, shining brightly in that intense moment. Dean… Dean’s accepting it. Dean’s wholeheartedly accepting everything that cleans his soul without his knowledge. Castiel abruptly stops, blown away by Dean’s purity.

“Dean…” Castiel croaks, body stepping towards the hunter.

“Hey, don’t.” Dean sniffs, wiping the back of his hands on his eyes and standing an inch farther. “Better not get snoots all over your nice sweater now, Cas.” He grins, eyes truly heavy yet meaningful.

“Thank you, Cas.” Dean says finally.

Castiel just wants to stand closer to Dean, but he stops himself. He isn’t supposed to do that now. He hasn’t approached Dean for what felt like a very long time. Composing himself, the angel steadies on his ground and clears his throat. The heavy feeling in his chest slowly passes and he and Dean exchanges one final look.

With a nod, Castiel turns and walks towards his car, but then he stops and turns—

“You will be okay, Dean?”

Dean who has been watching him with shining eyes, raises his chin with a final quirky smile playing on his lips. Castiel memorizes that expression he’s so fond off. Something he hasn’t seen on Dean. Nostalgia hits him, breaks him more than he cares to admit. But Dean is smiling so freely and Castiel can’t help but copying him.

“Yes. I’m batman remember?”

Castiel stares for awhile until Dean raises his hand into a wave. With that, the hunter opens his car door, slides inside and turns on the engine. It’s Castiel who stops on his tracks to watch him drive away. Dean gives him one final look. A very sad, very poignant look, then he’s gone.

Cas thinks the world just turns just a little bit darker.

It’s so painful to see Dean go. Castiel just watches the space where Dean’s car disappears around the curb.

That’s when his shoulders start shaking. Nathan is around him at once, embracing him tightly. Cas holds on to him. The shaking and crying don’t stop even back at home, not even with Nathan properly wrapped around him, Cas can’t stop the feeling he’s lost a piece of himself he can never recover. It’s one thing when you just misplaced it amidst the clatter. It’s different when it’s gone altogether and Castiel can’t pretend it’s there.

Not with a sinkhole that deep.

* * *

Castiel’s weariness lasts two days before Nathan is pulling him to his feet, devoted in making him happy. This is not something new to them. At the beginning, Castiel too had been too depressed to do anything, let along give grumpy glances at the man. But Nathan is very patient with him. So very caring like he’s found a wounded animal he can’t help not to take care. Castiel sees him, confesses to him, told him about Dean. Nathan listens. Nathan cares. That’s all that matters.

Nathan makes him feel he matters.

On the third day Castiel forgets about Dean. How can’t he when the man who is currently trying to make him smiles does everything in order to cheer him up, gets everything he thinks will make Castiel happy and even buys a bee suit much to Castiel’s chagrin.

On the fifth day, Nathan pops the question during dinner and Castiel immediately says _yes_.

Something sharp cracks in his very grace, like chains getting cut.

But the angel thinks it’s his own confusion, too overwhelmed to notice it as a silver ring slides on his ring finger. He shares a very passionate kiss with Nathan. His world revolves around him now, and though it’s for formality only, Castiel can’t help but admire the silver ring with its shining blue diamond sitting at the center. It’s more of a proof of love than an object. Nathan says it reminded him of Castiel that’s why it has to be this ring. Castiel wonders if marrying would change anything. He’s already so in love with Nathan he thinks it’s okay to have just his own blessing.

He’s still an angel despite the lack of power, after all.

He doesn’t think of Dean at all. So, it comes as a surprise to hear them mentioned when he and Nathan meet with some of Nathan’s hunter friends. Stories about the Winchesters are popular, it seems, and not the Chuck Shurley series.

It makes Castiel a little uncomfortable at first, but everything the other hunters are saying are purely out of respect and Castiel finds himself listening in. There are brief encounters with the Winchesters, he hears. Because mostly they keep to themselves, only showing up when there’s a dire need to. Very like Sam and Dean who never liked attention, but has grown accustomed to the hunter world and Supernatural world fearing them.

Sam and Dean who are never on the receiving end of the world after saving it many times. The Winchesters never consider glory their final trophy. At least, Castiel knows them enough to believe so.

Those brothers who only want to belong in a family. Sadness fills Castiel for some reason, but he satisfies himself with listening to different stories about the brothers, hearing his general species mentioned—not knowing they are already in the presence of the angel in the story—it brings smile to Castiel.

On the way home, Castiel leans on the passenger seat, hands entwined with Nathan, listening quietly to the radio playing in the background as rain splatters on the window. He chose that station, that music, something he wonders if he could’ve done if he’s still with Dean.

The thought of Dean gets the angel quiet. He didn’t notice how the song from the station embeds itself in his consciousness. He doesn’t even know the title, yet the voice is too resonant, too meaningful to ignore…

_-I beg you to want me, but you didn’t want to_

Castiel doesn’t blink. A whirlwind of emotion takes him.

_-But your love it isn’t free, it has to be earned_

_-Back then I didn’t have anything you needed so I was … worthless._

Castiel bites his lips.

_-Piece by piece he collected me_

_-Off the ground where you abandoned things_

Yes… yes Dean abandoned him… but Nathan… he’s got this with Nathan…

_-Piece by piece he fills the holes_

_-That you burned in me_

_-He never walks away_

_-He takes care of me cause he loves me_

_-Piece by piece he restores my faith_

_-That a man can be kind_

Nathan is kind… Dean is kind too in his own way…

_-And a father could stay_

Castiel’s eyes sting. Who is this person singing what’s inside an angel's wear heart? Like she can see through him? Or is it… Castiel has lived a life so much like humans he can actually relate to them? He holds on to Nathan’s hand, grips it tight till the man half embraces him. Castiel cries for some reason, something he doesn’t do a lot these days.

But it's not the same. Something is making him miss something and cry. There's a gap.. A hole. A hole he thougjmht already filled with the new love of his life only for him, without the world to compete with like Dean's where he'd never win. This hole isn’t filled exactly. And this song makes him think of Dean and Dean alone. 

The word _abandon_ brings a sudden guilty question in his mind.

Who abandoned who?

Did Dean really abandon him? Or was it the other way around?

No. That’s wrong. You did nothing wrong. He tells himself, hoping to make himself believe it. Dean’s never told him how it’s Cas who abandoned him. Dean saw it coming and yet… Dean said he never blamed Cas… never blamed Castiel for letting go even when he told Dean he'd always be there.

He questions now whether Dean actually believed him.

That man whose head is filled with self-loathing.

_Everyone leaves me in the end._

Something that has been nagging at the back of his mind makes Castiel panic. Like the chain he's been so used into holding slinks emptily inside him. A chain linking him to something so heavy and profound, but now it's end is lost... Empty.

Dread fills Castiel.

Something is wrong. He can’t feel Dean. He squirmed and turned in his side of bed with Nathan holding him tight that night, whispering promises and assurances but Castiel’s too out of it to listen. He clutches Nathan's shirt, but there's nothing he can grapple into where his soul can cling on... Just empty space.

No. 

Castiel slips out of bed when Nathan’s arm finally gets loose. He takes his phone with him to the living room, not having problem with keeping his feet light, he’s an angel.

He dials Dean’s number after a few minutes of hesitation. The number goes to voice mail. Heart sinking, he gets to the second number almost inseparable to Dean.

“Sam?” he says a little throaty.

“Cas?” Sam sounds so surprised and the angel is filled with emotions that wasn’t there before. Of how he misses Sam. How can’t he not miss Sam? “Cas is that really you?”

“It’s me, Sam.” There’s a sigh at the background. Then Sam’s voice is back.

“Why—did anything happen? _Did you meet Dean?”_

The sudden question is like an attack on the angel. Castiel finds the couch and quietly sinks there.

“Yes… yes I saw him.”

_“Oh, Cas…” _Sam sounds terrible, like he’s carrying the weight of the world. But as Cas said before, he’s accustomed to Sam’s very nature. Like how he breathes in like he’s suffocating. _“Dean’s… it’s his choice, Cas… I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. We couldn’t. Dean made me promise not to. He made Michael promise not to go anywhere near you.”_

Castiel freezes. “

Sam…” he begins carefully, then sharply when the name registers right to memory. _“What are you saying… what Michael?”_

The line goes quiet for a moment, and then Sam’s hissing on the other end like he realizes he majorly fucked up.

_“Cas—listen—”_

“Sam!” Castiel doesn’t remember standing up, but he’s on his feet and frantically pacing the room, ears alert to Sam’s answer. “What’s happened? What’s going on, where’s Dean?”

_“Cas—I thought you said you just saw him?”_

“That’s more than two weeks ago! He—he’s around Texas and he just came out of nowhere—”

He remembers the hunter, so thin and small, yet still shining… like Dean’s found himself able to be happy again for some reason. That struck Castiel. Dean with that soft look in his eyes… it should have warned him.

Sam seem to fail being wordless and soundless.

_“Oh damn! That’s when he told me he saw you… he daid you look so happy. Dean said you’d moved on.”_

“Sam!” Cas presses urgently, a palm rubbing on his forehead, because fuck why isn't Sam answering him with the most important question that he finally allows to surface- a question he knows his subconscious is asking every moment when he is caught unaware. “Where is Dean!? What happened? This Michael—”

_“Michael’s out of the cage.”_ Sam’s voice is in rush, as if it’s the first time he’s talking about this to someone. As if Cas is the only thread that can understand him. _“He came out with the other ghosts last time from hell...and the wall didn’t hold him—he’s an archangel! He roamed the earth for some time before he found Dean and made him a deal when he learned what Chuck did. Breaking the world, leaving. This Michael is still hell bent on rvevenge to Chuck."_

"He's been most faithful." Cas says with some dread. _Just like Dean to his father_ .

_"Yeah... He nearly blew the place when he learned... He and Dean had some time...Dean’s just… he’s just so done, y’know? Michael then told him about Chuck still in this world cause he can feel him from my wound like there’s a connection. He wants to find Chuck but he needs to be in full power to hunt him. He talked to Dean. Told Dean he can heal me, can restore heaven… can make Chuck repent now that he’s not in full power. But he needs Dean’s vessel to do that. Chuck’s in human form, so Michael needs someone stronger than Adam… Dean… we both understand… it’s an end game and we want Chuck to end his control—"_

Castiel sucks air. 

“Dean... What about Dean?!” 

A pause.

_“He said yes."_

“You let him?” anger sparks in the angel’s eyes.

_“We didn’t have a choice! And I was… I was dying, Cas.”_

Castiel stays still, eyes shutting close painfully, his mind working the image of Dean looking at Sam hovering over life and death again on his bed, damaged once again beyond anything inside the cold bunker all on his own. Alone and in pain.

It wrenches his heart to imagine Dean so alone and broken…

“When did he say yes?” he finds himself asking beeathlessly, remembering the last time he saw Dean.

_“About… five days when he met with you. He called me… he’s so happy to see you, Cas… didn’t want you get involved in any of this when you already suffered enough.”_

Castiel closes his eyes, fingers rubbing the bridge of his nose. Dean had been... Was planning to say yes when they met that day. He knew Dean was lying. New something was up... Why didn't he ask? Why didn't he lool close enough?

Castiel grits his teeth.

When he opens his eyes, he sees his ring. Five days ago...It comes with a sudden realization... Dean said yes the day Castiel’s said yes to Nathan.

A painful sound escapes out of the angel’s lips and he hears Sam call his name on the other side, but Castiel curls on himself.

He could have been there to stop Dean but he wasn't.

He could have been there to tell him there’s another way and help him calm down because Dean doesn't even think twice when it comes to pulling the gun on himself.

He could have been there even if Dean doesn’t listen, but at least, he’s not alone. But he wasn’t. Castiel berates himself if he could have done a difference.

He couldn’t with the first Michael from the alternate world taking Dean.

And now Michael from years in hell got Dean finally. Castiel felt like crumbling. Isn't that what he had fought for before? This Michael getting Dean in submission? Dean who never submits to anyone unless he has to save people he loves...

Castiel buries his face on his free palm, other hand still pressing the phone in his ears. He can imagine Dean letting another angel ride his body, can almost feel Dean not struggling, like how Cas didn’t fight with Lucifer. But Sam’s next words are the final match to the bomb.

_“Cas… Cas, Michael’s… Michael’s insane.”_

“What do you mean?” the angel croaks.

_“He remembers Dean… remembers me from the graveyard… but he knows he can’t harm me, he promised Dean… and I’m his only connection to Chuck… he promised he'll leave Dean alone. That this is only until they defeat Chuck...but I think… I think he’s lying. I don’t think he’s leaving Dean alone.”_

“Sam…” Castiel turns back to his and Nathan’s room, going straight for the wardrobe and grabbing his pants and coat. He’s striding out, jumping on one leg to the other, “What do you mean?”

_“I don’t know, Cas… but something's off with Michael like he's changed… hell changed him… the cage? Years in hell? Adam too, we saw his ghost and he's full of resentment but mostly... He just talks to himself like he’s lost a screw… I think he’s both angry at Chuck and at Dean, but the way he talked when he got Dean… Cas... His whole demeanor and what Adam said about Michael turning into another Lucifer...Cas, I think Michel's gone insane. I haven’t seen Dean since then… Michael said he’d get in touch with me, but I’ve been waiting. I don’t know where they are—”_

“I’m on my way. We’ll find Dean together, Sam.” Castiel pulls the coat but stops midway the door.

There’s a pause on the other end.

_“Shit.” _Sam hisses, _“Shit, I’m sorry, Cas… Dean’s said—”_

“I don’t care what Dean’s said!” anger courses through him and Castiel finds himself breathing heavily, angry at himself for leaving Dean, angry at Dean for lying to him, angry at Sam for keeping this from him for so long… but mostly, he’s angry at about what he’s about to do. He looks down his ring.

_“But you have a life now, Cas…Dean wants you to be happy. You don’t have to feel responsible for us, Cas… it’s our choice.”_

“It’s my choice too—” Castiel takes his hand, then wrenches the ring off his finger, almost too forceful and powerful, he doesn’t feel anything at first but he did hear the tearing of skin. He looks down his fingers, to the ring Nathan lovingly gave him. Then he falls on his knees, lips trembling, eyes filling and he cries.

He loves Nathan.

But Dean…?

He still cares for Dean, he realizes this again. The man who keeps on sacrificing himself even when the world’s fucked him time and again. Even when the world doesn’t give him anything in return, Dean will continue to save it. Because that's Dean.

And Dean still matters to him.

_“Cas. Dean won’t want you to suffer… just… just leave this to us. I’ll save him. If it’s the last thing I do, I will. But don’t hurt yourself... don’t lose what you already found. Dean knows… Dean knows how much he hurt you. You don’t need to drag yourself here, Cas… I don’t think it’ll make things any easy for Dean if he finds you’re throwing your life for him again. Dean doesn’t want that. He wants you happy.”_

Of course, he wants that, Cas thinks bitterly. Dean wants everything for everyone else and nothing for himself. He only thinks good of himself whenever opportunity of dying for the world comes. Like no one else can see how hard he is trying to be loved. Cas knows how much Dean wants to matter, but doesn’t have the courage enough to ask.

Because he’s Dean Winchester.

Cas looks down his ring with wet blue eyes, silent tears on his cheeks. He can go back to bed with Nathan and live in peace. Can let the Winchesters sort this because they always can.

But memory lf Dean flooded him. He doesn't even know where it began and ended. It's just full of Dean happy, sad, angry, goofy, in love with Sam.. sometimes in love with him.

Cas inhales. 

He doesn’t remember grabbing his coat now, nor taking the keys. It’s all a blur, like his body has a mind on its own. He’s very worried about Dean. But then, how can he… how can he be happy like this? He loves Nathan, he does… but is he willing to lose that happiness all because of Dean? Ready to come spiraling down to hell again all because of Dean? It isn’t even a question. He loves Nathan, yes. But his thoughts are filled with Dean just now.

His body moving like this, his very consciousness revolving around Dean… of how Dean is doing… what Michael is doing to him… If Dean is hurt or in pain. A flash of smile, a kind smile. Castiel breaks in every way thinking of this.

Does that mean he loves Dean more? Nathan makes him happy… but the Empty never came too.

Castiel wipes his eyes and pulls himself together. He carefully pulls the ring off his already healing finger.

He leaves the door. Does he love Dean more? Broken as he is, imperfect that he is?

Dean who is capable of hurting him more than anything in the world? Who can break him with one word? Does Cas want that? Does Cas need that? Does he love Dean? He knows he’s choosing to be stupid… knows it's going to hurt a long the way but for someone like him, if being stupid, if being this ‘wrong’ means saving the person he loves then he will gladly do it.

So be it.

He will be the _wrong_ for the world so long as he can save the righteous one. Even if it meant him being pulled down the ground, he can't leave Dean. Not like that with Michael. Dean doesn't deserve that. Dean deserves to be happy and Castiel will make sure to bring him back to the safe place they both know, a safe place Castiel knows he can provide if Dean is willing to have him back. He loves Nathan, but his love for Dean is beyond the very word.

Dean is Dean.

_So yes._

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry! Not Sorry! I know we all want Cas to be happy... so happy but with Dean! Even when Dean tends to get abusive. Cas should really walk away to make him see.... Dean shouldn't be a dick.  
But Dean will always be that hunter who gets to carry the weight of the world. And he will never ask for anyone to stay beside him. Nooo. I don't think so. So please, let him at least have Cas.


End file.
